The heart of the matter - why metal?

I grew up in the city, and then suburbs of St. Paul, Minnesota. As a transgender girl, (now

woman), from my earliest memories I knew that something wasn't right with me…or with the

world, as time went on from my childhood. I don’t want to dwell on being transgender, however

it is fundamental to the formative years of my life and my outlook on the majority of others

around me who simply ignored or would not accept that there was something different than an

accepted status quo of living. I was raised in a Catholic christian family and K-8 grade school;

ideal for stifling dissent or any living standard that did not align with the church’s teachings.

Additionally, hand-in-hand with this environment my father was extremely conservative

politically…I remember in some of my earliest memories of him reading the book “Peter

Rabbit” to me that the protagonist of the story had his name replaced by “Walter Mondale,”

clearly an attack on his physical appearance (according to my father) and somehow

associating that likeness with an expected derision toward the man whom Minnesota alone

would submit its electoral votes in 1984. All of this, needless to say, was what my programmed

vision of “right” was supposed to look like. Reaganomics, He-Man, GI Joe, and the WWF (now

WWE) were the cornerstones of what I was ingesting in terms of moral guidelines.

Enter music. What was I raised on? Elvis Presley, the Beach Boys, and generally most “oldies”

(50s-60s music) that was reflective of a time passed which was seen (in my father’s eyes) as a

moral standard. Never mind the actual turmoil that said musicians went through during their

time, be it through affairs, various substance abuses, or mental health issues…no, these were

highly sanitized versions that I was fed as the highest achievement in terms of musical prowess

and virtue. Also disregard the fact that the entire genre of rock and roll was based on

appropriation of blues, a distinctly black community creation that has influenced countless

other genres. However, for all of that whitewashing of my youth…at the very least I was taught

that rock and roll *was* in fact, about rebellion, and that some element of danger was present

in its creation.

Throughout my somewhat trans-induced introversion, I had difficulty making friends…however

it was through my second friend Nick that I was introduced, at about age 7 or 8, to Guns N’

Roses’ Appetite for Destruction. Listening in protected rooms or headphones, like an illicit

substance, that album used the word FUCK so flippantly and casually that, as a very sheltered

and rule-following Catholic, I couldn’t believe it was legal. And yet, it also had a lot of heart,

melody, and charm that it resonated with a kid who’d only been exposed to carefully curated

studio sessions from Sun records. This was a flagrant middle finger to authority, even at that

age I figured out that Mr. Brownstone was about drug abuse, and I knew that there had to be

more out there where this came from.

My father went through a divorce, which was definitely debasing in terms of what he’d always

told me was “right” and “moral” according to our religion. However, with that came some more

exploration of music, of which what I was finding wasn’t particularly on par with the danger of

Appetite for Destruction (David Lee Roth and Dokken definitely didn’t measure up…) but I was

finally gifted a copy of Iron Maiden’s Live After Death by my stepbrother. A seminal moment in

the band’s career and most certainly a “Best Of” album of their work up to that point - to me,

this was truly my awakening to an entirely different style of music than I’d ever heard. Operatic

vocals singing history-based lyrics, truly classically-inspired musical compositions all wrapped

in an enigmatic and yet gorgeously painted cover of Eddie emerging from the grave, which

read “That is not dead - which may eternal lie. Yet with strange aeons, even death may die.”

What on earth could that possibly mean? Everything I’d been indoctrinated with up to that

point had solidified a very tangible belief system - if you follow the rules, a large yet invisible

man with a beard among the clouds would bring you to heaven & you could exist happily ever

after. There was zero ambiguity in that belief - and yet here were five unkempt gentlemen, long

with long & flowing locks of hair singing - nay, celebrating - the Number of the Beast and

alleged medieval torture devices. But at the same time, this inspired me to learn more about

everything they were talking about…mythology, historical literature, and war. There had to be

*even more* to this thing called metal than I was aware of at the time.

One might say I’m a fairly typical case of Gen X - exposed to mature themes from Stephen

King, horror movies, and Dungeons and Dragons earlier than what our pearl-clutching Tipper

Gore society would approve of. And I don’t shy from that label or assessment…I believe that

they all point to a common theme - that of rebellion and freedom from the norm. Outlets, or

escapes, from the suffocating dominance of white, Judeo-Christian heteronormativity of

America. It’s a natural reaction for creatives & freethinkers to refuse to accept what is, simply

because someone told us it is. And so, as someone who was told what I was as well as what

trans people were (at the time), I felt a natural gravitation toward those who spoke up for the

underdog.

Over time, I would of course discover Slayer, Metallica, and somehow much later in my

teenage years, Ozzy Osbourne & Black Sabbath. In the pre-internet age, you took what you

could get based on friends’ word of mouth, as you saved your pennies for the next precious

album you could afford. While plenty of 80s thrash had the anger and energy I needed as an

outlet for my very closely-controlled world, I came to finally realize (as my frontal lobe would

gradually develop)…ultimately it was Ozzy who inspired so much of this movement. As

problematic as the individual was, he nevertheless spoke to the countless millions of fans, like

me, who were different. Outcasts, unheard, misfits…whether by relaying messages through

“blasphemous” imagery, being notorious for beer drinking and drug use, or appearing

unbothered while wearing makeup and women’s clothes - he represented a part of society, and

so many humans - that people didn’t like to talk about. Clearly, this resonated with a trans

woman who wouldn’t reveal herself until much later in life - but could certainly identify what she

was going through with music.

All of this is to say - to me, metal is more than a sound, it’s an attitude. There are so many

variations on the original Black Sabbath/Deep Purple/Jimi Hendrix or whoever’s sound, it’s as

impossible to identify a single musical element that encapsulates every metal song ever

created. Additionally, there are plentiful sub-genres that draw from other music, as well as

directly from cultures around the world, that one would be hard pressed to simply say:

Distortion = metal, or even vocals = metal. And so in this way, metal becomes ubiquitous - it

can appeal to anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. To anyone who feels left behind by society, or

even simply underrepresented.

As women, we face this constant categorization; despite comprising half of the world’s

population, a prevalence of patriarchal systems (religious, political, and cultural) subvert the

feminine spirit. While large elements of metal have been equally guilty of doing this very thing,

to me the essence of metal is the fight for freedom, for representation, and for not accepting

the status quo. While punk rock certainly has a reputation for calling out injustice & smashing

boundaries, metal represents the anger against those injustices and showing up with strength.

These genres aren’t mutually exclusive, of course, nor is either of them “better” at what they do

in representation for women. What matters is that more women are showing up for them - both

as fans, and performers. Metal may not be completely mainstream - in a way, its foundation

demonstrates that it *shouldn’t* be…however it is grasping the attention of more women, who

are refusing to comply with the status quo. And at a time when the political winds in the United

States are pursuing an all-out assault on women, trans and queer rights - this creative outlet is

well-poised to bring our anger, strength and solidarity to the fight. We will not be silenced, and

will not accept standards that someone else has set for us. This is what we represent in the

Colorado Feminist Metal Collective, as we set out to make metal spaces a welcoming one - for

women.

- Stefânia